Cheers to Adventure and Obligatory Sex.

Cheers to Adventure and Obligatory Sex.

Nobody wants to have sex with someone they don’t like. Here’s a story about how I involved myself in this undesirable scenario.

CHARLIE> 40 years old. Divorced. Lives in LA. Works for Warner Bros. Has a pretty cool job booking voices on EDM tracks for a major record label. Attractive things about this man: enthusiastic, generous, and very well-traveled. Unattractive things: nervous compulsions (I’ll explain later…), cares too much about his instagram and twitter followers, and is bad in bed.

I met Charlie at a concert in Salt Lake while he was traveling with the DJ for work. I’m not an electronic music fanatic, but I enjoy the genre and have circles of friends who self-identify as being EDM junkies. I meet up with these friends at shows all of the time. He came up to me and pretty much started to make out with me right away. I’m sure there was some initial dialogue exchanged between us, but it was minimal. Most women would probably be creeped, but I’m not turned off by the aggressive approach. Sometimes when I’m at a club, I’m on the hunt for someone to kiss (truth) and in this sense I thought I’d found a kindred spirit.

I didn’t even notice that he was missing a hand until we were making out on the bed in his hotel room. It didn’t bother me. I’m very accepting of flaws because I’ve been through an immense amount of suffering myself. I didn’t ask a lot of questions. He said he lost it in a car accident. Mid-make out sesh I also noticed that his hair was fake. He told me that he had a condition—I assumed it was just another term for hair loss. I let that slide too. After all, I was drunk; and like I said, I don’t mind a little defect in a person.

He took a liking to me after our post-concert encounter and invited me to come stay with him in LA. I would never use a person for a trip, but I have to admit that I knew that his affection for me far exceeded my ability to reciprocate the same level of affection for him. I’m trying to figure out how to have friends with benefits. Since I’ve become single I’ve had to learn to navigate gray areas in relationships. I prefer to “soulvibe” with dudes that I have sexual intercourse with, but it would be impossible to achieve that level of intimacy with everyone and it would definitely conflict with my life goal of achieving an adventurous lifestyle = doing interesting things + meeting different people—and this includes men.

Fast-forward to LA. We’re in the car driving up the coast from Los Angeles to San Francisco. Between smoking a seemingly never-ending series of cigarettes, I noticed that he kept touching his head. Every time his hand went for his head, he hit his hand on the steering wheel almost as if to scold himself or stop himself from doing it. It took me awhile to catch on to the fact that he felt compelled to do it out of compulsion—and then I saw it. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched him pull a hair from his own head and eat it.

When we got to our hotel room I googled compulsive hair pulling and then the word stood out to me plain as day as the word that he used to describe his condition on the first night I met him. Trichophagia. Hair loss due to complusive hair pulling and ingestion. In extreme cases (which his was because he had to wear a wig), it results in a hairball. Maybe it was just too many inherent flaws in one person for me to tolerate, but that was what finally did creep me out to the point of aversion.

We’re sitting in the hot tub the first night at the hotel. He starts to make out with me. He moves on to fingering me though my swimsuit—I was ok with this, it was late at night and no one was around. I could tell that he wanted to have sex with me in the Jacuzzi, but I’m far too much of a lady for something so public. We go back to the hotel room. He’s overly aggressive in his style of foreplay. He starts to go down on me (the absolute worst, ugh how could someone be so inept at eating pussy?) good thing he switches to vigorously rubbing me with his stump, which felt marginally better.

I remember thinking, is this why your husband died? So a chain smoker that compulsively eats his own hair can over aggressively rub your clit with his hand stump?

He argued with me about using a rubber and finally rolled one on after some resistance (what planet do you live on where people don’t use condoms?) It felt like being fucked by the energizer bunny on crack; not because it kept going and going, but because it felt like a rabid over-zealous animal humping me. He told me that he wanted to get me pregnant! He asked me where my biological clock was. I told him it was missing.

I trooped through the awkwardness for the sake of having a pleasant adventure. I reminded myself that despite the fact that he was horrible in bed–he was a kind person and I was grateful that he was treating me to an all expense paid trip to California. We had a lot of fun together in San Francisco. Even though the thought of having sex with him a second time made my skin crawl, it was over fast (after reprimanding him again for attempting to do me without a condom?) The last two nights of the trip we didn’t even have sex. He didn’t push for it and I was relieved. I think it had something to do with his distaste for condoms. Maybe he could sense that I wasn’t really into it.

Despite the fact that I felt slightly prostitute-ish because I felt obligated to have terrible sex with someone I wasn’t attracted to, I don’t regret going on the trip. I saw San Francisco for the first time and stayed in upscale hotels. I ate good food, went to a concert, and toured one of the most beautiful coastlines in America. I made a new friend. It was an epic adventure.

So, cheers to me and my adventures that expose me to a unique life experience be it good or bad. My relationship with Charlie was memorable in more ways than one.


Immediate Disconnect

Immediate Disconnect

This post is about how attraction can be so confounding and elusive. It’s also exclusive to certain people and often for unexplainable or predictable reasons. You feel immediately curious, invested, and drawn to this person’s energy. I call it a “soulvibe”.

TREVOR> Mr. Perfect for me on paper. A man with a wandering soul and an adventurous spirit. Snowboards, climbs, travels, and owns a house in the ski resort foothills. My brother in law even made the comment while looking at his online profile that Trevor was “one of our people”. So many other little things in common, like our affinity for  ice cream and king crab.

I went into this date knowing that we would soulvibe.

I meet him at the coffee shop. He was strikingly good looking.

I disliked him immediately.

Why? From the beginning of the conversation I kept analyzing this fact. What’s more is that it was obvious that he couldn’t be less interested in me. It’s been a long time since I’ve been exposed to a mutual dislike dating situation. I didn’t know what to do or how to react.

Continue reading “Immediate Disconnect”

Unrequited. Heartbreak.

Heartbreak is soul wrenching. I feel like I’ve gone temporarily insane. I can’t control my emotions. I have intrusive thoughts that feel obsessive and compulsive. I’m constantly distracted. They say that the pain of being “lovesick” feels like heroin withdrawal. While I can’t personally empathize with that feeling, I’m inclined to agree with it. I feel physically ill.

CAMERON> 34 years old. Physician recruiter. Charming, complex, ambitious, intellectually sharp, witty, articulate, adorable. First man I dated after my husband’s suicide. He had a mesmerizing stare that made my knees buckle. We had an immediate epic level connection that we both felt was exceptional and mutual. There was a quality about our association that felt almost magical.

I’ve been out of the dating game for awhile. I made some rookie mistakes and broke some of the fundamental laws of attraction. I chased him instead of laying low when I could feel him pull away. His interest in me slowly waned.

Our last conversation ended with hints toward exclusivity, but after that he just stopped making contact. I have this sinking feeling that there is someone else. This man lavishes obsessive and almost stalkeresque attention on the object of his desire (it should have creeped me out but I soaked it up like sunshine), I could go mad with jealously thinking about him pulling out all of the stops for another woman.

I just wanted to meet guys and have a good time–I still DO. BUT Cameron reawakened something in me that I thought for sure was beyond revival. It’s not the first time in my life that something major has shifted leaving an awkward gaping hole full of questions with no answers.   I recall the chilling phrase  …”he’s just not that into you”…

My heart is stone cold now.

Is this goodbye forever kissy face?



A Rant About Creative Kissing.

A Rant About Creative Kissing.

First and foremost: KISSING. It’s an art in my opinion. For me, it’s the most intimate expression of affection. I love kissing. I love kissing more than most people. I’ve kissed.. a lot. I kind of consider myself to be an expert. Everyone has their own style when it comes to kissing and liking the way a person kisses is a matter of personal preference, but I like the way I kiss. I expect people to adapt to my style because I know I’m that good.

You should never have to wipe your face after a make out session. That’s an indicator of some sloppy ass kissing. It’s important to switch off who is leading…be submissive to someone else’s lead for a minute, take turns. Otherwise it just ends up being a confusing mess where nobody knows where the other is going. Tongue and lip sucking are essential. There’s a proper way to use your tongue–I personally love a good gentle and reciprocative tongue sucking…

Creative kissing? No. 

NO swirling, sticking your tongue in and out of someone’s mouth like a lizard, no back and forth motions, no flicking, ew. James was a “creative kisser”.

JAMES>28 years old (score for being 6 years younger than me), full time student, very part time CNA, geology major. Attractive things about James= intelligent, academic, curious about things in general and is full of fun facts, has traveled the world (major attractiveness factor there). Unattractive things about James=physical chemistry lacking a bit, aggressive with the make out sessions, intelligent but semi-socially awkward…



My name is Jessica. Welcome to my blog!

I’m single. Actively dating. I have an interesting social life. I prefer it that way, but extaversion on this level comes at the cost of a healthy dose of drama. I started this blog because I feel the need to have a sanctuary, an anonymous place to vent, discuss ideas, seek advice, and send random messages out to the world… feel free to read, follow, comment…

I live in Salt Lake City and I’m a Utah native. I like living here because I get a good mix of city/outdoor lifestyle. I’m an avid snowboarder, hiker, and outoodor enthusiast. My “child” is a boston terrier named Pickles. I geek out over all things culinary. I’m a party girl and an intellectual. It’s an interesting combination. I live passionately. I plan on using travel is a means of rejuvenating life force. Life is short. It should be a fun adventure. It should be extraordinary.

I’m a widow and a suicide survivor.