Cruel Karma: The Leo Scorpio Saga

Cruel Karma: The Leo Scorpio Saga

Leo and Scorpio will never work.

There is always a couple that is an exception to the rule, so maybe not never-ever. Generally speaking though, Leo and Scorpio in love will probably crash and burn. Badly.

I was once a sad lioness scouring the internet for hopeful advice on how to deal with my Scorpion. I was also discouraged and a bit angry when I kept reading website after website that predicted the demise of my relationship. 

As I tell my story, please be aware that when I say “Scorpios” or “Leos” throughout the post that I’m generalizing. I do not mean to imply that all people born under the same sign are all the same. I’m just relating my personal experience as a female Leo dating one Scorpio man.

Let me please also make it very clear that I did not take astrology seriously at all until I met this guy. I believe in truth and science–not mythical bullshit. 

We started texting before our actual first date. He was so charming. Creepy charming. I think the dude was obsessed with me (the attention was kind of a turn-on). First date in person was crazy magnetic chemistry. We kissed and touched each other for hours. 

I’ve always thought the concept of a soulmate was unrealistic, too idealistic, and naïve. I have to admit that I felt something like undescribable and undeniable. It couldn’t simply be dismissed as infatuation. No way. We both acknowledged that we might be destined to be together.

I also want to mention quickly that I was told by a psychic that my deceased husband had someone picked out for me and told me to watch for the signs. This was the first man I had gone out on a date with since my husband passed away. My Scorpio told me that he thought there were signs that we were supposed to be together. I never told him the story about the psychic.

Third date comes around and the guy is doting on me like a princess until I say one thing that offends him. I could almost hear my head hit the pavement as I seemed to immediately fall from grace. The look of disgust and disappointment on his face was obvious. I tired to apologize, but our date ended awkwardly. 

I called him the next day assuming that he would be over it (HA! I’ve learned to never assume this with a Scorpio). Let the mindgames begin. Hot/cold treatment for weeks before I finally see him again. I normally would never put up with this immature middle schoolish behavior, but we vibed. He felt it too. Why is he treating me like this?

When we finally got together the flame was instantly rekindled. We made love. I was on top of him,  but he took control. It was the perfect example of leo/Scorpio power play, in a good way. Heavy soul staring eye contact. I left my energy all over him. We napped for a long while with him was still inside of me. 

I pressed my lips sweetly to his forehead and did my best to bond with him psychically. I’ve never tried to connect spiritually within the act of sex before until I met my Scorpio. 

We were reunited and things would be amazing and beautiful now…

Next text conversation was cold and indifferent. I was the last one to text. I waited for his reply… and waited… and waited some more, until weeks had gone by. It destroyed me. This heartbreak felt like none other. I dated a string of other men hoping to replace what was missing because it affected me so deeply. This is the situation that inspired my phrase that I’ve blogged about often, the “soulvibe”.

I consulted the internet to get the Scorpio 411– because of course google is the source of all reliable relationship advice. Now you’re probably reading this and thinking —when a dude humps and dumps, it means you got played. I fully understand the rules of attraction. I’ve been around the block a few times. He’s Just Not That Into You; the book, I could have written it myself. Something was unique here though. I felt it. I know that he did too.

Almost three months went by before I got a random text from him at four o’clock in the morning. I made him wait because I didn’t want to appear to be too eager. I was kind if shocked, annoyed, and truthfully extatic.

He told me that he was in love with me after sniffing some pretty little lines of cocaine (he’s probably a coke addict by the way), just another quirk that makes him so Scorpio. I’m not saying that fact never struck me as a red flag; but what the hell, I was already in love with him. He justifed his disappearance away with excuses like “I’m an introvert… I was waiting for the right time.. you weren’t ready…” 

He declared himself my boyfriend offically. We both acknowleged a sense of “oneness” in each other’s presence. I’m sure I let out a huge sigh of relief at this point in the relationship timeline. 

We were reuinted and things are going to be beautiful and amazing!

I’ll paraphrase a lot of details here and maybe address them in another blog post, but we clashed in all other normal day to day relationship associations. Hard. There was a lot of confusion, anger, hurt feelings, and petty arguments. Our relationship as a committed couple only lasted three months. 

He broke up with me. Said he wanted to see other people. I mean we had our disagreements, but after all of our history together? He wanted to break up? At this point we had almost a whole year’s worth of drama wrapped up in our tumultuous little relationship.

I was crushed. 

I ignored him for 30 days post breakup. I pulled the old “no contact” rule on his ass. He has such a big ego. I swear he thought that he could just date other people and that I would just be waiting on stand by for status updates or something. 

At first, the purpose of ignoring him was to get him to chase me again. I committed to forcing myself to not make contact at all for a month. I needed to get off of the roller coaster for a minute and get my mind right. After a few excruciating weeks came and went, I could feel my spark reigniting. It felt good to be away from a relationship that made me unhappy.

It was Halloween weekend when I finally got in touch. I thought about never contacting him again, but I have too big of a heart to not at least end on friendly terms. He apologized for everything and said he wanted me back. Why am I such a sucker for this guy?

I come over to his house to “talk”. We took our talk to the bedroom and things got sexy, things were always crazy sexy, that was never our problem.

He told me that I was irreplaceable. He told me that everything was going to be different. 

We were reunited and things are going to be fucking amazing and beautiful!

Things were different for about a week. He started being the attentive, fuuny, and romantic charmer that I fell in love with in the first place. He tells me he needs help with his car. I pick him up at work and drop him off at the car repair shop. 

He’s pissed off and moody about the car situation. Scorpios are moody. Moody as hell. Cameron would have dramactically different shades of moods within a five minute time frame. One minute he would be infuriated and the next he would be playfully laughing. It was kind of intimidating to be around such contrasting energy.

It’s the day before his birthday (which happens to be 11.11 and mine is 8.8). I asked him what he wanted to do together for his birthday to celebrate. He told me that he wasnt in a good mood and didn’t want to be concerned with that right now. 

He mumbled something along the lines of “well I didn’t mean to just use you for my car…” and then he just kind of just trailed off… 

I dropped him off at work kind of confused and annoyed, but whatever.

I have not heard from him since. 

It’s been over a month. I haven’t tried to reach out at all, but considering everything he should have been the one to keep up the communication. 

What the hell. Is it over? Is this a test? Is this another disappearing act?

I am pretty sure I just want things to be over at this point. Astrology websites say that Leo/Scorpio relationships vasillate between love and hate. It’s also a dramatic relationship with a lot of ups and downs. Couples involved in this duo describe it as having an “addictive” quality. 

This may be goodbye forever kissy face.

You ruined my happy love story.

I hate you.

I miss you so much.

So, my dear scorpio, are you my soulmate? Are you my sex-soulmate? Are you my bad karma?  

Who knows.


My Thailand Photographer

My Thailand Photographer

I don’t really know where to start with this one—in many ways he’s my absolute dream come true…

CHRIS> 36 years old. Divorced. Award winning photographer, cinematographer, and independent filmmaker. Very good-looking man. He’s been shooting a documentary about human trafficking in India and Thailand. He hopes that the film will eventually be viewed at Sundance Film Festival. He’s spent years living abroad and speaks multiple languages. He’s a self-proclaimed food and culture lover.

It’s hard to come up with any complaints about Chris aside from his non-traditional views on relationships (I’ll explain later…). He’s quieter. His dating style is slow and steady. He’s a bit of a homebody at heart. I feel like his “type” of woman is the kind that wears Gucci and sips fine wine. I’m still trying to figure out why he would be interested in someone like me—not that I don’t dress up and look pretty; especially on a date, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m a woman who snowboards, climbs rocks, and drinks beer.

I want to write a little bit about the documentary because this project is pretty amazing. He literally rescues women from forced prostitution. He works with a human rights organization that raids brothels where the women are raped, starved, and beaten if they refuse to work.

He has permits to film in India under false pretenses. Millions of women are trafficked every day and the government doesn’t want the rest of the world to know that it’s such a rampant problem. At one point, he was hiding from the government and the mafia. He spent his time in hiding in an Ashram learning about Tantra and Vedic religion. Anyone who knows me also knows that I’m all about this stuff too, I know quite a bit about Hindu culture for an average girl from Utah.

After reading this you’re probably thinking, wow! this guy is next level! … he is!

He’s lived in Bangkok most of the time for the last couple of years, but he came home for the month of April. He invited me to the house that he owns, which isn’t very far from where I live. We were both excited to meet each other because we had been e-mailing back and forth for months.

He made me a fancy cheese and cracker spread with a cupcake on the side. He also made me a rosemary infused cocktail complete with sprig for garnish. He infuses his own liquors with spices like sage, rosemary, and habanero.  As a food and drink lover myself, I thought this little gesture was quite sexy.

He’s sensual. I love that. I’ll repeat: I love that. It’s a rare quality in a man. He’s a good kisser! We’ve made out a lot. It’s hot. So far I’ve needed a cold shower after every date. Whew! I can tell that he actually likes me. There’s not an intense love at first sight “soul-vibe”, but something real is there. Perhaps it’s a chemistry that can be genuine and sustainable even if it takes longer to develop.

Our conversations have been easy and natural. We’re able to get appropriately personal in a short period of time conversation-wise, which I think is a good thing. We talked about his divorce. I talked a little bit about my marriage. We talked about our mutual reservations about getting remarried and how we both had fears of committing to a long-term relationship.

Here’s the kicker. We talked about ployamory. He told me that he was really leaning toward getting into this type of relationship in the future. He wanted to know if I was interested. Basically he said that dating him would involve “sharing”.

I told him that this admission didn’t necessarily deter me from dating him. I have to admit I’ve looked into the concept myself and there are some very unique reasons as to why a situation like this would actually appeal to me. There are also a few very fundamental reasons why this type of relationship may not work for me at all.

I’m going to share my thoughts about polyamory in a separate post and leave it at that for now. I’ll continue to keep you updated about my sexy Thailand photographer.

Check out the preview for the documentary Stolen Innocence at


Cheers to Adventure and Obligatory Sex.

Cheers to Adventure and Obligatory Sex.

Nobody wants to have sex with someone they don’t like. Here’s a story about how I involved myself in this undesirable scenario.

CHARLIE> 40 years old. Divorced. Lives in LA. Works for Warner Bros. Has a pretty cool job booking voices on EDM tracks for a major record label. Attractive things about this man: enthusiastic, generous, and very well-traveled. Unattractive things: nervous compulsions (I’ll explain later…), cares too much about his instagram and twitter followers, and is bad in bed.

I met Charlie at a concert in Salt Lake while he was traveling with the DJ for work. I’m not an electronic music fanatic, but I enjoy the genre and have circles of friends who self-identify as being EDM junkies. I meet up with these friends at shows all of the time. He came up to me and pretty much started to make out with me right away. I’m sure there was some initial dialogue exchanged between us, but it was minimal. Most women would probably be creeped, but I’m not turned off by the aggressive approach. Sometimes when I’m at a club, I’m on the hunt for someone to kiss (truth) and in this sense I thought I’d found a kindred spirit.

I didn’t even notice that he was missing a hand until we were making out on the bed in his hotel room. It didn’t bother me. I’m very accepting of flaws because I’ve been through an immense amount of suffering myself. I didn’t ask a lot of questions. He said he lost it in a car accident. Mid-make out sesh I also noticed that his hair was fake. He told me that he had a condition—I assumed it was just another term for hair loss. I let that slide too. After all, I was drunk; and like I said, I don’t mind a little defect in a person.

He took a liking to me after our post-concert encounter and invited me to come stay with him in LA. I would never use a person for a trip, but I have to admit that I knew that his affection for me far exceeded my ability to reciprocate the same level of affection for him. I’m trying to figure out how to have friends with benefits. Since I’ve become single I’ve had to learn to navigate gray areas in relationships. I prefer to “soulvibe” with dudes that I have sexual intercourse with, but it would be impossible to achieve that level of intimacy with everyone and it would definitely conflict with my life goal of achieving an adventurous lifestyle = doing interesting things + meeting different people—and this includes men.

Fast-forward to LA. We’re in the car driving up the coast from Los Angeles to San Francisco. Between smoking a seemingly never-ending series of cigarettes, I noticed that he kept touching his head. Every time his hand went for his head, he hit his hand on the steering wheel almost as if to scold himself or stop himself from doing it. It took me awhile to catch on to the fact that he felt compelled to do it out of compulsion—and then I saw it. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched him pull a hair from his own head and eat it.

When we got to our hotel room I googled compulsive hair pulling and then the word stood out to me plain as day as the word that he used to describe his condition on the first night I met him. Trichophagia. Hair loss due to complusive hair pulling and ingestion. In extreme cases (which his was because he had to wear a wig), it results in a hairball. Maybe it was just too many inherent flaws in one person for me to tolerate, but that was what finally did creep me out to the point of aversion.

We’re sitting in the hot tub the first night at the hotel. He starts to make out with me. He moves on to fingering me though my swimsuit—I was ok with this, it was late at night and no one was around. I could tell that he wanted to have sex with me in the Jacuzzi, but I’m far too much of a lady for something so public. We go back to the hotel room. He’s overly aggressive in his style of foreplay. He starts to go down on me (the absolute worst, ugh how could someone be so inept at eating pussy?) good thing he switches to vigorously rubbing me with his stump, which felt marginally better.

I remember thinking, is this why your husband died? So a chain smoker that compulsively eats his own hair can over aggressively rub your clit with his hand stump?

He argued with me about using a rubber and finally rolled one on after some resistance (what planet do you live on where people don’t use condoms?) It felt like being fucked by the energizer bunny on crack; not because it kept going and going, but because it felt like a rabid over-zealous animal humping me. He told me that he wanted to get me pregnant! He asked me where my biological clock was. I told him it was missing.

I trooped through the awkwardness for the sake of having a pleasant adventure. I reminded myself that despite the fact that he was horrible in bed–he was a kind person and I was grateful that he was treating me to an all expense paid trip to California. We had a lot of fun together in San Francisco. Even though the thought of having sex with him a second time made my skin crawl, it was over fast (after reprimanding him again for attempting to do me without a condom?) The last two nights of the trip we didn’t even have sex. He didn’t push for it and I was relieved. I think it had something to do with his distaste for condoms. Maybe he could sense that I wasn’t really into it.

Despite the fact that I felt slightly prostitute-ish because I felt obligated to have terrible sex with someone I wasn’t attracted to, I don’t regret going on the trip. I saw San Francisco for the first time and stayed in upscale hotels. I ate good food, went to a concert, and toured one of the most beautiful coastlines in America. I made a new friend. It was an epic adventure.

So, cheers to me and my adventures that expose me to a unique life experience be it good or bad. My relationship with Charlie was memorable in more ways than one.

Immediate Disconnect

Immediate Disconnect

This post is about how attraction can be so confounding and elusive. It’s also exclusive to certain people and often for unexplainable or predictable reasons. You feel immediately curious, invested, and drawn to this person’s energy. I call it a “soulvibe”.

TREVOR> Mr. Perfect for me on paper. A man with a wandering soul and an adventurous spirit. Snowboards, climbs, travels, and owns a house in the ski resort foothills. My brother in law even made the comment while looking at his online profile that Trevor was “one of our people”. So many other little things in common, like our affinity for  ice cream and king crab.

I went into this date knowing that we would soulvibe.

I meet him at the coffee shop. He was strikingly good looking.

I disliked him immediately.

Why? From the beginning of the conversation I kept analyzing this fact. What’s more is that it was obvious that he couldn’t be less interested in me. It’s been a long time since I’ve been exposed to a mutual dislike dating situation. I didn’t know what to do or how to react.

Continue reading “Immediate Disconnect”

Unrequited. Heartbreak.

Heartbreak is soul wrenching. I feel like I’ve gone temporarily insane. I can’t control my emotions. I have intrusive thoughts that feel obsessive and compulsive. I’m constantly distracted. They say that the pain of being “lovesick” feels like heroin withdrawal. While I can’t personally empathize with that feeling, I’m inclined to agree with it. I feel physically ill.

CAMERON> 34 years old. Physician recruiter. Charming, complex, ambitious, intellectually sharp, witty, articulate, adorable. First man I dated after my husband’s suicide. He had a mesmerizing stare that made my knees buckle. We had an immediate epic level connection that we both felt was exceptional and mutual. There was a quality about our association that felt almost magical.

I’ve been out of the dating game for awhile. I made some rookie mistakes and broke some of the fundamental laws of attraction. I chased him instead of laying low when I could feel him pull away. His interest in me slowly waned.

Our last conversation ended with hints toward exclusivity, but after that he just stopped making contact. I have this sinking feeling that there is someone else. This man lavishes obsessive and almost stalkeresque attention on the object of his desire (it should have creeped me out but I soaked it up like sunshine), I could go mad with jealously thinking about him pulling out all of the stops for another woman.

I just wanted to meet guys and have a good time–I still DO. BUT Cameron reawakened something in me that I thought for sure was beyond revival. It’s not the first time in my life that something major has shifted leaving an awkward gaping hole full of questions with no answers.   I recall the chilling phrase  …”he’s just not that into you”…

My heart is stone cold now.

Is this goodbye forever kissy face?