My dead husband has someone picked out for me. 

This bit of insight (I’m not even saying that I believe is actually true) has lead me on quite the wild goose chase that I didn’t exactly want or bargain for.

I bumped into a woman once by happenstance. She came in to my place of business as a customer about a year ago. At this time, my husband had been dead for about six months.

We got into a friendly and casual conversation. Our chat was superficial for the most part, until out of nowhere she mentions that she has the ability to communicate with the dead and that the voices kept her awake at night.

You might be reading this thinking that this woman is obviously bat shit schizo cray cray.

The thing is, she wasn’t. 

Still to this day, I’m not really sure what inspired her to divulge this bit of personal information to me.

She told me that she came from a religious background and that she was regularly on the outs with her parents. She was young, I guessed that she was in her early twenties. She said that the relationship with her parents was strained because they had gone through many failed attempts in effort to get her to conform to their religious point of view.

She also said that she had tried a few times to reach out to her parents for understanding and acceptance of her “gift”. They treated her like she was crazy and wanted her to stop talking about it. Even if they were open to really listening or believing, their religion was strictly against ordinary people communicating with other worldly powers of any kind.

She told me that they dismissed her and finally shunned her. It also interesting that she mentioned that she suspected that at least one parent also had the same ability, but chose to deny it and keep it secret. 

Prior to this defining moment in my life, the thought had occurred to me to seek out a clairvoyant of some kind on my own. Having someone close to you pass away (especially a spouse and most especially by suicide) leaves A LOT of unanswered questions. 

There is a support group that I follow online for widows of suicide. I don’t commisurate with the group often because it’s a bit of a whiny pity-party. I find it harder to sympathize with that attitude these days; however, I find it very interesting that any information garnered from psychics is taken very seriously among these circles of women. Everyone wants to know what what was said and everyone believes that they are communicating with the spirit of their deceased husbands.

I didn’t end up seeing a psychic because I was concerned about being lied to or being taken advantage of. I admit that my husband’s death has opened me up to all sorts of openness to deeper spirituality, but I still I wasn’t really sure if I believed (and still not really sure if I believe) that anyone is truly psychic or has the ability to talk to dead people… I mean what is this, the sixth sense?

I had completely dismissed the thought of seeking out any psychic advice up until this moment. Now that the opportunity had presented itself though, I couldn’t resist the temptation to ask this woman if it was possible for her to make contact with my husband. I just couldn’t. I was simply too curious. Also at this time, I was a mess of a grieving widow. I was desperate for some answers.

So, I told her about my husband’s suicide. I asked her if it was possible to make contact with him. I  was busy working for her, so I focused on that for a long time while she remained quiet.

When she spoke again she told me that she said that she was able to sense him. She said there were some things that he wanted me to know.

First thing she told me was that he was that he was sorry. She said that after he died, he wasn’t aware of what exactly had happened. He hadn’t understood the consequences of his actions.

It seemed like she was describing some kind of educational process that he had been lead through by higher level beings of some sort (like angels I guess, but she didn’t describe them as such). She didn’t really describe these beings as anything at all, she just told me that he had been helped. 

As she is relating this information to me, I’m starting to get very emotionally worked up. I can’t tell you what it’s like to feel like you are communicating with someone you lost and loved deeply. I’ve spent nights crying myself to sleep because I’ve worried that l will never see his face or be able to talk to him again. 

She asked me if there was anything I wanted to say to him.

I said ”please, just tell him that I’m sorry. Tell him that I’m so sorry.” I have my reasons for asking for his forgiveness, but I don’t want to write about those details now. 

She told me that he knew that I was sorry. She gave me the impression that he now understood that he had an extreme reaction to a temporary misunderstanding. She gave me the impression that he understood that it what he did had caused me a great deal of pain.

He had struggled his entire lifetime with misdiagnosed psychiatric illness and depression. She told me that he wasn’t suffering anymore. She told me not to worry about him. Where ever she was describing, he was in a good place. 

She said that his spirit was pure light.

She then proceeded to tell me that he didn’t want me to be alone. 

She said that when I was ready, he had someone picked out for me and to watch for the signs.

I was now chocking back big streams of tears that were rolling down my cheeks.

I was also definitely feeling very confused. 

The idea of someone else six months after your husband dies is unfathomable. 

I didn’t want to find someone else. I wanted my husband. If I couldn’t have him back, I wanted to be alone.

Still to this day (a year and a half later), I have a strong preference for remaining single. This is out of respect for being my husband’s wife and because I enjoy my life as a single person now that I’ve adapted to my circumstances.

I was also a little bit angered by the thought of my husband dictating to me from beyond the grave. He abandoned me. He bailed on me in the worst way possible. He gave up on his own life. He shattered all of the hopes and dreams we had together.

 What gives him the right to tell me how to pick up the pieces?

I stood, sobbing, and just nodded my head.

I didn’t want to be rude or ungrateful for her advice. After all, I was the one who asked for it. Regardless of whether or not she actually did talk to my dead husband, I could tell that she had benevolent intentions.

She noticed that I looked concerned. She assured me that it would be something open as an option for me–when I was ready. I didn’t press her for details on what specific signs I should be looking for. I figured she would tell me what I needed to hear.

She told me that she felt like she was meant to meet me.

She embraced me as I cried in the hallway with all of my coworkers looking on. It was a dramatic scene.

I can’t explain what it feels like to have your best friend and partner of ten years die. I can’t explain what it feels like to have that person die by suicide. You just want to believe so badly that they are out there somewhere. You want to believe so badly that they are looking out for you.

I still don’t know what to believe, but I’ll never be able to completely dismiss this experience. Her words are in the back of my mind every time I go out on a date or meet a new romantic interest. I’ve already had some profound experiences that have lead me to believe that this person might actually exist.

I can also assure you that if my husband has something to say, I am listening.

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