Unrequited. Heartbreak.

Heartbreak is soul wrenching. I feel like I’ve gone temporarily insane. I can’t control my emotions. I have intrusive thoughts that feel obsessive and compulsive. I’m constantly distracted. They say that the pain of being “lovesick” feels like heroin withdrawal. While I can’t personally empathize with that feeling, I’m inclined to agree with it. I feel physically ill.

CAMERON> 34 years old. Physician recruiter. Charming, complex, ambitious, intellectually sharp, witty, articulate, adorable. First man I dated after my husband’s suicide. He had a mesmerizing stare that made my knees buckle. We had an immediate epic level connection that we both felt was exceptional and mutual. There was a quality about our association that felt almost magical.

I’ve been out of the dating game for awhile. I made some rookie mistakes and broke some of the fundamental laws of attraction. I chased him instead of laying low when I could feel him pull away. His interest in me slowly waned.

Our last conversation ended with hints toward exclusivity, but after that he just stopped making contact. I have this sinking feeling that there is someone else. This man lavishes obsessive and almost stalkeresque attention on the object of his desire (it should have creeped me out but I soaked it up like sunshine), I could go mad with jealously thinking about him pulling out all of the stops for another woman.

I just wanted to meet guys and have a good time–I still DO. BUT Cameron reawakened something in me that I thought for sure was beyond revival. It’s not the first time in my life that something major has shifted leaving an awkward gaping hole full of questions with no answers.   I recall the chilling phrase  …”he’s just not that into you”…

My heart is stone cold now.

Is this goodbye forever kissy face?




A Rant About Creative Kissing.

A Rant About Creative Kissing.

First and foremost: KISSING. It’s an art in my opinion. For me, it’s the most intimate expression of affection. I love kissing. I love kissing more than most people. I’ve kissed.. a lot. I kind of consider myself to be an expert. Everyone has their own style when it comes to kissing and liking the way a person kisses is a matter of personal preference, but I like the way I kiss. I expect people to adapt to my style because I know I’m that good.

You should never have to wipe your face after a make out session. That’s an indicator of some sloppy ass kissing. It’s important to switch off who is leading…be submissive to someone else’s lead for a minute, take turns. Otherwise it just ends up being a confusing mess where nobody knows where the other is going. Tongue and lip sucking are essential. There’s a proper way to use your tongue–I personally love a good gentle and reciprocative tongue sucking…

Creative kissing? No. 

NO swirling, sticking your tongue in and out of someone’s mouth like a lizard, no back and forth motions, no flicking, ew. James was a “creative kisser”.

JAMES>28 years old (score for being 6 years younger than me), full time student, very part time CNA, geology major. Attractive things about James= intelligent, academic, curious about things in general and is full of fun facts, has traveled the world (major attractiveness factor there). Unattractive things about James=physical chemistry lacking a bit, aggressive with the make out sessions, intelligent but semi-socially awkward…



My name is Jessica. Welcome to my blog!

I’m single. Actively dating. I have an interesting social life. I prefer it that way, but extaversion on this level comes at the cost of a healthy dose of drama. I started this blog because I feel the need to have a sanctuary, an anonymous place to vent, discuss ideas, seek advice, and send random messages out to the world… feel free to read, follow, comment…

I live in Salt Lake City and I’m a Utah native. I like living here because I get a good mix of city/outdoor lifestyle. I’m an avid snowboarder, hiker, and outoodor enthusiast. My “child” is a boston terrier named Pickles. I geek out over all things culinary. I’m a party girl and an intellectual. It’s an interesting combination. I live passionately. I plan on using travel is a means of rejuvenating life force. Life is short. It should be a fun adventure. It should be extraordinary.

I’m a widow and a suicide survivor.